Creating Your Best Life by Feeding the Right Wolf
by Jonathan Heywood__________________________________________________
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,”
he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil –
he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority,
lies, false pride, superiority; and the other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same
fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one we feed.”
The simplicity and truth of this advice almost took my breath away. And it started me
thinking about how I could pay more attention to feeding the right wolf. After all, you
can’t just set out a bowl of food and hope the good wolf eats and the bad one stays away.
have to have a plan.
How to Stop Feeding the Wrong Wolf
In order to minimize the part of your day spent feeding your negative emotions, try these
simple tips:
Anger & Resentment
When you feel these emotions bearing down on you, count to ten. Backwards. In another
language. The more complicated the better, because it will take you even longer and
you’ll have more time to get a leash on your anger.
Take five deep breaths (not so deep you inhale the dust bunnies though!). As you exhale,
anger loping off down the hill, never to return again.
Practice “distraction theory.” Every time you feel yourself about to let your anger get the
better of you, distract yourself with something silly, like blowing bubbles, honking a
bicycle horn, or imagining yourself as Little Red Riding Hood. Little eruptions of anger
will usually pass by if you don’t pay them any attention.
Go for a walk. Walking away gives you physical distance from your emotions, as well
as providing you time to cool off. Just be sure to leave some breadcrumbs behind if
you need a long hike!
If you feel slighted by someone, rather than building up resentment, compliment that
person sincerely on something you admire about them. You’ll feel better about yourself
and perhaps she’ll act more humanely towards you the next time.
Envy & Self Pity
Next time you feel the green-eyed beast raring its ugly head, make a list of ten things
have in your life that you’re really thankful for. Start with your pack (family & friends!)
If that isn’t enough to stop your envy, try making a list of the disadvantages of possessing
the thing you’re longing for. For example, that new car your neighbour just drove home
means higher monthly bills for insurance, more money for gas, constant worry that a big
wolf will scratch the door in a parking lot, etc.
Stop crying wolf. The language we use when thinking about our lives helps shape our
perspective. If your inner voice always says things like “Why does this always happen
to me?” or “I never have any luck,” you
create a sense of self pity that does nothing but make you miserable. Try changing at
least one of your regular negative thoughts to something more upbeat, even if it’s just
“Things could be worse.”
Sorrow
Howl at the moon. Too often when bad things happen in our lives, we put on a happy
face and try to move on too quickly. Give yourself time to vent your feelings so that you
can move past them. But remind yourself that you will move past them – you always do.
Travel in packs. One of the best ways to let go of your tears is to hang out with your
favourite friends. Make sure you schedule regular outings with the people who make
you happy.
Sorrow feeds in the darkness, so get out into the bright light of day. Open the curtains,
turn on the lights, or better yet, get outside and feel the sun on your face.
On your next good day, write a positive note to yourself to read the next time you feel
like whimpering and hiding in a cave. Be sure not to bury it somewhere you can’t find it!
Regret & Guilt
Life is all about making choices and whenever you choose one path through the woods,
you choose not to follow another. Imagine how silly it would be to regret or feel guilty
about every choice you’ve made in life that didn’t turn out like you wanted (“Darn, I should
have parted my hair on the left side this morning!”) Wild animals don’t waste time on
regret – you shouldn’t either.
Sing the blues. Write a silly blues song about things you regret doing or not doing in
your past. How about the “I Wish I Hadn’t Called My Boss ‘Queen of Denial’ When
Was Within Earshot Blues?” Then sing it to your family. If your dog howls along,
even better!
If you notice a pattern between certain things you do and feelings of guilt, stop doing
those things! Call your mother. Send birthday cards out on time. Quit trying to pass off
store bought cookies as homemade at the school bake sale. Just attach a note that,
The fire department says I shouldn’t be allowed in the kitchen ever again.”
Greed
The next time you feel yourself wanting MORE, MORE, MORE, leave your comfortable
den and go spend some time with someone who has less. There’s nothing like a fresh
of perspective to make you happy with what you have.
Often the best way to stop greed in its tracks is to give some of the things you have that
you no longer use away. Next time you are about to spend money on things you don’t
really need just because you saw them in a store or catalogue, rummage through your
closet or attic for anything you can take to your favourite local charity.
Get out your phone or digital camera and take pictures of at least five things you thought
you absolutely had to have that ended up hidden away in a closet or covered with spiders
in the garage. Put the photos on the refrigerator with a sign that says “The Hall of Greed
& Shame.”
Arrogance, False Pride, & Superiority
Most of us don’t consider ourselves arrogant, but we hold arrogant beliefs. For example,
do you think that college graduates are smarter than blue-collar workers? Do you believe
that it’s a better use of your time to chat with your boss during your break than a secretary?
to identify your own arrogant thoughts and challenge them daily.
Whenever you feel better than someone else, remember that in other circumstances,
that person may be superior to you. For example, you may be great at math, but lousy
at singing karaoke. We all have our own talents and skills.
If you regularly find yourself boasting and feeling superior, do things you’re really bad
at to remind yourself of your limitations.
Give someone else credit for something good you’ve done. And never take it back.
Inferiority & Lies
Do you tell little white lies to make yourself feel better? Are your kids are the best soccer
players ever to play the game? Did you get a perfect score on your exams way back ?
Correct one lie this week you’ve been perpetuating for a long time and see if the truth
doesn’t make you feel like howling in relief.
We often make ourselves feel inferior by creating a false image of someone we admire.
Stop holding your tail between your legs and cowering. Remember, we’re all human
and even those people you most admire have their own faults and self doubts.
Next time you compare yourself to someone and feel inferior, call a friend who thinks you
hung the moon.
Take out your driver’s license and read your age and weight. Laugh. Now pledge that
next time you get your license renewed, you’ll tell the truth and nothing but the truth.
Feeding the Right Wolf
Now that you’ve learned some techniques for keeping the bad wolf away, here are some
ways to invite the good wolf into your life:
Joy
Start your day frisky by waking up with a song on your lips. Pick a joyful tune to sing,
hum, or whistle. Some possibilities: Let The Sun Shine In by the Beatles, Twas a Sunny
Day by Paul Simon, Keep on the Sunny Side by The Whites (from the O Brother, Where
Aren’t Thou soundtrack.)
Wolf-whistle your approval. Acknowledging the accomplishments of others loudly and
often will bring them joy, and a world with more joy in it is a much better place for
everyone.
Show your teeth, in a good way, by smiling at least once an hour. A smile invites people
into your life who want to share your joy (and usually scares away those with Irritable
Scowl Syndrome!)
Post this quote by Carlos Castaneda where you can see it every day: “We either make
ourselves strong or we make ourselves miserable. The amount of work is the same.”
Always carry hard candy in one pocket and dog treats in the other. That way someone
will always be overjoyed to see you.
Peace
Refuse to believe that it’s a dog-eat-dog world. Opt instead to believe in a world where
mother wolves take in other cubs and raise them as their own. Set an example by doing
something wolf motherly today.
Remember there’s a difference between play-fighting and real fighting. Only bare your
teeth when you really have to.
Be a peaceful animal this week. Don’t kill any member of any species you find inside your
home (ants, spiders, dust bunnies…) Either live and let live or start a relocation program.
Join an organization committed to waging peace on earth such as Amnesty International (www.amnesty.org), Stop The Violence/Increase the Peace (www.stoptheviolence-ca.org),
Increase Peace (www.peaceinc.org).
Love
Play with your cubs. Nothing speaks love to children like spending time with them.
Mark your territory by doing something heartfelt for everyone you love this week. A phone
call, a foot rub, a squeak toy (for the dog or cat, not your grandma, although who knows,
she might enjoy it too), can be all it takes to let them know how you feel.
Do one thing today that you really don’t enjoy, but that someone will love you for doing.
Take out the trash, balance the cheque book, clean out the iguana’s ears… Actions speak
love louder than words.
Make a list of five things you can love about a person you consider unlovable. Put it in your
wallet so next time that person turns into a werewolf, you can pull it out just in the nick of
time and respond with love.
Hope
Foster an attitude of hope by choosing to see the good in everyone and the potential for
good in everything that happens, good or bad. Just as we humans used to believe wolves
were dangerous and evil until we acknowledged their beauty and importance, we can also
change our opinions about others.
Create a “Hope Chest.” Take a small box (a shoe box will do) and fill it with clippings of
stories that give you hope, such as children raising money for the hungry or someone
stopping to rescue a stray animal. Take out your box whenever you feel disheartened
and hopeless.
Give someone the gift of hope by encouraging his or her dreams. If your daughter dreams
of dancing the ballet, buy her toe shoes. If your best friend dreams of becoming a major
league baseball player, get her a cup!
Humility
Learn to apologize sincerely and often. Saying “I’m sorry” can be as difficult for us humans
as learning to fly would be for a wolf. But the inability to apologize when we are wrong
or just obstinate and argumentative) can create rifts in relationships than can take months
to heal.
Next time you receive kind words for a job well done, or better yet, an award of some kind,
sure to howl the praises of everyone who helped you with the accomplishment. Think of
it as your night at the Oscars!
Identify one person you’re no longer going to try to impress. It’s a lot of work trying to run
around like a wolf in sheep’s clothing (or a sheep in wolf’s clothing!) Stop trying to convince
your mother-in-law you’re a good cook. Or acting as if you like football just to fit in with
the guys. When you accept yourself for who you are, it becomes easier to accept others
as well.
Kindness
Leave your mark behind. When you go out to eat and your waiter or waitress does an
extraordinary job (and they often do, we just fail to notice), leave a larger tip and a note
thanking them. The money will be spent much sooner than the words of appreciation.
Go to a bookstore this week and buy a book that inspires you to be a better person. Buy
two copies and leave one at the front desk with instructions that the next person in line
gets it for free.
Don’t wait for a full moon to donate blood.
Don’t invade your neighbour’s territory. Instead of using a leaf blower (which is ranked by
most people as one of the most obnoxious and un-neighbourly devices on earth), rake by
hand. Use a people-powered mower instead of a gas mower. You’ll not only be more
neighbourly, you’ll get your exercise without having to pay for a gym membership.
Benevolence & Generosity
Sign up to be an organ donor. Donating your vital organs when you no longer need them
is one of the most generous things you can do in life (and beyond.)
Rewrite your will to include charitable giving when you’re gone. Without charitable trusts,
many wildlife preserves wouldn’t exist, schools wouldn’t have new computers, and shelters
for abused and neglected children wouldn’t get built. If you don’t have a will, this is the
time to write one. It’s really not that scary (except for the part where you have to pay the
lawyer for legal services.)
My, what big eyes you have – the better to read! Take time to help teach a child or an
illiterate adult to read. A commitment to helping someone become literate is a long-lasting
gift not only to that person, but also to his or her family and community.
Compassion and Empathy
Share the spoils – bring a sandwich and cold drink to someone standing on the side of
the road with a sign asking for help. And a bag of food for their dog if they have one with
them.
Be kind to all animals. When you go to the store this week or shop online, choose to
purchase only products that haven’t been tested on animals. A good resource to find
out which products are compassionate is the NAVS’ booklet Personal Care for People
Who Care, available from their website: www.navs.org.
Help keep others warm during the winter. If you enjoy going to garage sales, keep an
eye out for warm coats, sweaters and blankets you can buy inexpensively. Collect these
and donate them this fall to your local homeless shelter or mission.
Truth and Faith
Spend as much time as you can out in nature. A simple walk in the woods, a day in the
garden, or a weekend spent camping out can restore your faith in God and nature.
Don’t be a lone wolf – join a congregation. Whether you go to a church, a synagogue,
or a regular meeting of people who believe the same things you do, just sharing your
beliefs with others can help you deepen your faith and reconnect to your spirituality.
Stop waiting for the fairy tale ending. Life is about making every day special, not about
sitting around waiting for your fairy godmother to show up and get rid of the wolf at the
door. Have faith in yourself and your loved ones instead and you will be rewarded over
and over.
Stare up at the moon and stars with wonderment and awe. Life is amazing when you take
the time to look around. So find yourself a heavenly body or a constellation (how about
the Dog Star?) and vow to look for it in the night sky at least once a week in order to
remind yourself of the miracle of life.
By feeding the right wolf, you not only do you improve your own life, you make the whole
planet a better place to live. And if you think you don’t have the time or energy to change
your old negative habits, remember it takes just as much time to feed the bad wolf as
it does the good.
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